March 15, 2008
What Am I Doing Here?
“I don’t know what my purpose is now,” my 83-year-old father told me a few weeks after my mom passed away. Fighting cancer and taking chemo, already in the early stages of dementia, he had managed to hold it together to take care of her for as long as she needed him. And she had needed him for 64 years.
Now, he seems to have let go. The dementia has multiplied exponentially, and there are days we have to tell him Mamma’s gone. It’s like he’s finding out for the first time, and the pain is terrible. I think alot about that day he sat on my deck and told me he didn’t have a purpose anymore.
That must be what it is that keeps us anchored to sanity in this life — a purpose. Knowing what we are to do every day, and that we matter to someone. That someone’s life would not be as good, if we weren’t around. Our purpose is so bound up in our personal relationships that the two cannot be separated. And when the dynamic of a relationship changes, then we have to find a new purpose, or risk slowly falling further and further away from reality.
I’ve been a mommy for 20 years. This spring, that will change. My daughter will graduate from high school and, if not this fall then next, she’ll move away for college. Oh, I’ll always be her mother, but I’ll be to her what I am to her older brother now, a mom. Not a mommy. The purpose I’ve had for the last 20 years — to protect, to teach, to nurture — that purpose will change. Thank God it’s not the permanent, life-shattering change my dad has gone through, but it is a life change. I’ll have to redefine my purpose, although at 44 that’s so much easier than at 83.
It’s something I think about often these days. What do I want my life to look like this time next year? What will my title be? Now I’m wife and mommy. Then maybe I’ll be wife and writer, but no, that’s what I do. Is it also who I am? I think so. It’s part of who I am anyway. But it’s not all, not enough. Wife and …? It’s an open-ended question. One that will take some time for me to discover the answer to.
Linda said,
March 15, 2008 @ 9:09 am
I’m having that problem myself. Letting go, loss of control, fear of failure haunt me everytime my daughter walks out the door. Support group anyone? Anyone???
Cheryl Craig said,
March 15, 2008 @ 9:34 am
I have no doubt that you will be the anchor of your family, much as you are now. But you will also learn to balance on the tightrope of a mother and grown daughter relationship, trying to find just the right amount of advice to give at just the right time and trying to discern when not to give any advice. At times your tongue will cause you great anguish — either because you had to bite it so hard to keep from speaking your mind, or because you did not bite it, and you spoke your mind — either of which can cause great pain. Oh my gosh, do I ever know that!!
I think that a year from now you will be wife, mother of grown children, friend to the grown children, an occasional counselor to the grown children, ( therefore: anchor, juggler, tightrope walker, a soft shoulder to cry on - but tough enough to not cry on their’s when they grieve you), and you will also be a daughter, a sister, a sister-in-law, a writer, a photographer, and so much more. And then someday, a grandmother. The empty nest fills up pretty fast once everyone starts multiplying! Then there will be the pitter patter of little feet in your halls again, but only for brief periods, and by the time they go back home, you welcome the solitude.
SHERRY STUARD said,
March 15, 2008 @ 8:33 pm
IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO THINK MY OLDEST BABY, GARY MICHAEL, IS GOING TO BE 50 IN JUST A MATTER OF DAYS. THE JOY OF HIS TWO CHILDREN HAS GIVEN LOLLY AND ME ONE OF THE HAPPIEST TIMES OF OUR LIVES. IT NEARLY KILLED US WHEN HE WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE. YOU FINALLY HAVE TO GET USED TO IT. I CALLED FRANNIE IN A VERY FEW DAYS AFTER JIMMY LEFT TO GO TO COLLEGE AND
WHEN NICOLE LEFT. I KNEW WHAT THE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME WAS ALL ABOUT AND
SHE APPRECIATED THE CALLS. AT FIRST YOU WILL LET IT BOTHER YOU A LOT BUT THEN YOU WILL FINALLY GET USED TO KATHRYN COMING IN THE FRONT DOOR AND LEAVING ALMOST AS SOON AS SHE GOT THERE. AND THE MOUNTAIN OF LAUNDRY WILL KEEP YOUR MIND OFF OF HER LEAVING AGAIN.
SHARON LEVING HOME WAS A DIFFERENT STORY. SHE MARRIED WHEN SHE LEFT HOME AND THAT WILL BE THRITY YEARS A YEAR FROM NOW. I HAVE BABY SAT HER CHILDREN SO MUCH THAT THEY FEEL ABOUT LIKE MINE NOW. WE LOVE EACH OF OUR GRANDCHILDREN IN A DIFFERENT WAY AND LOVE THEM VERY MUCH. IT IS VERY DIFFIFCULT TO REALIZE THAT RICHARD WILL BE 25 IN AUGUST AND SUSAN WILL BE 20. EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE, SHARON’S BOYS SPEND THE NIGHT AND SUSAN WANTS TO STAY TOO, JUST FOR OLD TIME SAKE.
ROGER DIDN’T LEAVE HOME UNTIL HE MARRIED AND I GAINED ANOTHER PERSON IN OUR LIFE TO COOK FOR! HA!!! SORRY THAT DIDN’T LAST. HE HAS HAD MANY JOBS AND LOLLY AND I STILL HAVE TO HELP HIM AT TIMES WHEN HE HITS A DIFFICULT SPOT.
WE ARE EXTREMELY HAPPPY FOR IT TO JUST BE THE TWO OF US IN OUR HOME AND WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD SUCH A GREAT MARRIAGE. I AM SO AFRAID, I AM LOSING HIM. WE HAVE HAD 52 GREAT YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND I DON’T LIKE SEEING HIM SUFFER. I KNOW WE WILL BE JUST LIKE GAIL AND KATHRYN, I WILL FEEL LIKE SOMEONE HAS CUT OFF MY ARM IF I DO LOSE HIM. NO MATTER WHAT, I AM STILL MOM TO THREE GREAT YOUNG PEOPLE AND THEY
ARE HELPING THE TWO OF US OUT TREMENDOUSLY RIGHT NOW. MOST OF ALL WE ARE SO THRILLED TO BE GRANDPARENTS TO THESE SIX YOUNG PEOPLE THAT WE LOVE SO DEARLY. AS CHERYL SAID, AT LEAST THEY GO HOME AT NIGHT AND THEN WE CAN BE HAPPY WITH JUST THE TWO OF US.
I LOVE YOU KAREN,
SHERRY
Jackie Weatherly said,
March 16, 2008 @ 12:20 am
What a gift God has given you, my friend!!!
And I am not just talking about your writing, which is awesome by the way.
Your mothering abilities go beyond your children:
For your Father you are giving him the love and care that he needs.
For some you are a listening ear.
For some you give good Godly counsel.
For some you bring hope to the hopeless.
For some you help them to be all that they can be.
For some you are a safe place.
For some you encourage.
For me today, you helped me to put life into perspective. To slow down and enjoy all the wonderful relationships that I am blessed with.
For me today, you spurred me on to run to the phone and call my “Daddy”.
For me today, you layed it on my heart to pray.
For me today, you made me become more aware of my own mothering abilities beyond my daughters.
And your question was???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Anne Maybus said,
April 3, 2008 @ 5:28 am
Wow what a beautiful story. I have read your blog for a long time and have never posted a comment…It is no wonder that you often don’t open up comments with all the wack jobs out in this world.